I'm having a what's-wrong-with-me-kind-of-week or two. I'm just kind of not sure what's been causing this drag. I have to find the drag in me. In essence, everything is going well systemically, so how come I keep dwelling on error reports and incidents? Shit happens and all that fun stuff too, but how do you shift your perspective when it seems like you can ungutter your mind and unmoor your insecurities? When it feels like the world is closing in, in all its clamorous bullshit, how do you find a pressure release?
In the past few days I have been trying to turn to the things that make me, myself happy for me, myself's sake. I try to skew those things so that they might splash a congenial impact upon those around me.
How do I feel? Like nothing is good enough for anyone else. Like everything is going to crumble and I will be left with some awkward, dessecated skeleton of what I want. Like I abandoned Dreamsfood; sure I can talk about it, but I don't seem motivated to do anything. Like I'm an asshole and I just do a good job of covering it up. Like shit, shit, shit.
I am excited because I have an appointment tonight at 6:15 with my therapist. It's been awhile. I missed her, and I think anyone around me can agree that I'm getting dire. There's been a big hole that unarticulated feelings seem to be pouring into. They just pretend to fall away into some abyss and leave nothing behind; in reality, they are still attached and ripping me apart like some torn cuticle pulled slowly back until it rips off in some swell and throb of dots of blood.
I love my life right now. I just feel some kind of awful, but I don't know why. I can't be of very much use to anyone if I am some flimsy projection of myself around them. If there's a reader with a hint on shifting their perspective, I would love to hear about it in the comments.