When Your Love is Safe by Active Child was a bit more bittersweet last year for Bacon Camp. It had a nice big messy complicated bundle of feelings I only this morning remembered.
I didn't participate in this years BaconCamp. At first I couldn't at all explain why. I love competitive cooking, and pushing myself, but it hasn't been coming to me as readily lately. My posts are fewer, and (I would imagine) less helpful to the world at large.
I inadvertantly deleted all the music off my phone when I meant to clear all the caches, and when I went to throw some music on my phone from our NAS last night I dropped Active Child and Wavves and Air Waves on there.
So recently I did a quick jump a year back in time with Active Child in particular. Started off the morning with How To Dress Well, but then moved on to a mix of Active Child and Air Waves. Then only Active Child. And I began to sink into a kind of emotional reverie.
Remembered a lot of emotion; it had at some point become gated off. Them I saw his tweet:
effortless emotion and sensuality
And something returned. Some block started to grind, it showed itself for a moment and I remembered what I had been for so long, working on but had as of late lost sight of.
If there is effort to emotions, there is effort to everything. If everything is emotional, everything gets that much unblocked if emotion is free
And earlier I had said, "32.3 is the new 30.4 - still need emotional crisis for exorcising to immerse self in hours of cooking RT @IsaChandra: 39 is the new 36." And then in the sum of those parts I knew that my inability to immerse myself in cooking, in any task really, was subject in some obfuscated way to my difficulty to find myself in my emotions.
What does all this have to do with cooking? Specifically, what does BaconCamp have to do with emotional blocks? Simple. I hope in all my writings, or at least a good number of them, that what I cook springs from deep down. I began cooking in earnest when I had no other channel for stress, there was no other way out of my head and the hurt I was in. When I hold all of that in, trap it deep down inside, I can't cook.
My takeaway from not participating in BaconCamp this year (aside from realizing I am much less interested in mock meat than I thought) was that feeling your emotions, opening your heart is not some incremental, progressive achievement that levels up your heart. It flutters shut if you don't keep aware of it.
So I end here and leave it with another quote
...somewhere between making love and being friends... When your love is safe, I'll be giving it all away; when your hope is gone, I'll be up til the break of dawn.
It stuck for me that I committed to giving it all away. Yet all of a sudden I was clenched up, hiding it. I wasn't ready to give it all away for a minute. Finding someone who is sensitive to that, who doesn't run away even if you tell them all those things you don't mean inside your head, who doesn't reject you when you stop filtering all the shit, who helps you sort it out as long as you've scoured for the defensive bits and the hurtful garbage; those are the conditions I needed and found in a partner.