Subway smells like failure: and why does everything at Subway taste terrible?

Saw an advert for some Turkey and Avacado sandwich from subway. So it became incumbent upon me that I have something just in time for June's AVOCADO-LICIOUSness!

So I am, despite a category of posts called `the non-smoker`, a smoker. The general understanding is that my olfactory and tasting capacities should be diminished. I am sure they are.

Further, I consume only hot foods. I can't think of anything in the past week that wouldn't have been a little bit better with some El Yucateco habanero sauce. Even that frozen key lime pie; perhaps it would have benefitted, an experiment might be in order once I get some more El Yucateco. Since scovilles are a barrier to entry for my palate, perhaps I am biased. Oops, I take that back, I had an amazing Reuben at Lexi's on Third Street; as they did not defile their high quality sandwich stack with even a russian or thousand island dressing, neither would I with any topical heat.

Last, I consume coffee all day long. This supposedly has an effect of dulling the taste buds due to the constant exposure of acid (I mean they hang out in saliva all day, but I'm just regurgitating the common 'knowledge').

Anyway. It's neither the sneaking suspicion left over from learning whenever ago that the Cold-Cut Trio was made of turkey-ham, turkey-salami, and turkey-bologna; nor was it that the breads are actually just enriched flour breads (aside from the 9-grain) what I found particularly discouraging. 

It's the smell and the homogenized texture. McDonald's did a good job making the assembly line work by adding a healthy dose of language barrier and human fuckup to the equation. Also, it is much easier to have non-regular burgers suffice for custom detail. Subway's method of pre-stacking it's meats makes perfect sense; control product output by blister-packing each serving- 3 scoops of tuna, 3 pepperoni/3 salami/2 ham, etc. However, every sandwich comes out the same, and it makes me feel like I'm eating things coming off a smelly assembly line.

• The quality of the meats is really unimpressive to be sure, but pre-stacking so much of it really kills it. The produce isn't great, but it's kept marginally fresh and it's better than the other fast food places. Nonetheless it just squishes in with the mediocre bread. Get some bread with backbone, ditch more of the standard flour derived recipes for heartier doughs. Once you get your sandwich back to the table or your desk it might as well be some crap from Chipotle.
• And the smell. Oh god, how I used to revile riding past the White Castle around my neighborhood. (Fortunately it was torn down, the patio of the bar next door smells much nicer now, and they're putting a Larry Flynt Hustler porn store in there!) Now whether the WC odor is pleasant or not is based entirely on your experience of the food; if you like the food, you probably just don't notice it (I would assume a similar dynamic exists for Taco Bell, Hardee's, Rax, and Rally's).

The smell of a Subway is not to be underestimated. In particular, the one by my office is the kind that I try to stay on the other side of the street to avoid when the sun is beating down. The psychology of smell is pretty fascinating. Perhaps my deep seated, irrational resentment of Subway is a key component in why it smells so awful to me. If I had to identify the precise component of the putrid smell it smells like inertia and time wasted and rushedly desperate food masquerading as a healthy option in a wasteland of poisonous ones.

I read an article on why some (asshats) taste cilantro and are disgusted by it. As for the uncrushed flavor of the leaf itself; "Flavor chemists have found that cilantro aroma is created by a half-dozen or so substances, and most of these are modified fragments of fat molecules called aldehydes. The same or similar aldehydes are also found in soaps and lotions and the bug family of insects" (NYT). Pro TIP: pair cilantro with more and varied food combinations so your brain can build more flavor associations than just that of soap and bugs, also crush cilantro to release the aldehydes to become inert to the flavor. Perhaps I am just some asshat hating on Subway because they represent all those things above; but unless I can crush my sandwiches to release their aromas to become inert, or I can pair Subway with enjoyable experiences, but whether by my failure or theirs, I may never get over the fact that Subway smells like failure.

dear subway; the aftermath of the smoked pulled pork review

okay subway. i dont know who you called. i must apologize, i suppose. i cant believe you did this to me. i have a loyalty card, and yeah i talked some mess about you and your sandwich. but this is uncalled for.

so yesterday i got your sandwich, i ate it. i should have followed fidel gastro's advice and only eaten half of it, but basically i tried to scale mount everest without setting up a base camp. but this isnt some dagwood of a sandwich; i thought, "hey i love pulled pork sandwiches let's have at it." but i failed a few kilometers from the summit and had to retreat.

stepping away from the metaphor: i threw the rest of the sandwich in my trash can under my desk at work. now. call me paranoid, or whatever, but i think subway was a bit sensititive. actually i think they knew the niche value of this sandwich and thats why they dont have any pictures of it on their web page, and theyre actually not all that proud of it. but they should feel good about the vengeance of their sandwich.

whoever empties our trash cans at night, and does so every night very routinely on any other occasion, forgot (maybe not?) to hit mine last night. i got to work and that little coarse ground pork sandwich (pulled pork is smoked and marinated and actually separated by hand, so blow me) was just cold chilling in my trash can still. it doesnt reek, but i know its there. watching me. i keep looking over my shoulder wondering, does it know?

anyway. people who would speak ill of the SPP ( i wont call it by name anymore), think twice be advised; it is sentient, and vengeful.

if you want to know about the nutritional value, and caloric information, it's here still. in sum though for a 6", 440 calories (120 from fat alone), 15g sugar, 1300mg sodium (53% dv). fun. would i eat it again? no. no.

Update on 3:16PM by mfg

apparently, subway likes to release this yearly as either a 'new' sandwich or limited edition (no, it's not).

do not be duped. i will not bother buying the sandwich to confirm that it is as paranoia inducing as the skunkiest sativa, but i'm sure it is. it is a frightening sandwich. do not eat without emotional and spiritual guidance.

im on a pulled pork boat

me and this guy were obviously suckered. i dont know what sucked him in, by the sound of it a love for the McRib as well. but on my break i walked past the subway by my work to see if they had a pic in the window of that smoked pulled pork sandwich, which they did, and i was just going to take a picture, but it was hungry. and i went inside. and i was going to get an egg sandwich or something. but i didnt. there was someone who works in my building in there. i waited until he left. then i ordered it. they dont put bbq sauce on it right off, you can tell them how much. fidel gastro's tag of 'why did i eat this' is apt here. i am more inclined to "where is my mind?"

but fidel brings up a good point as a side note. is it really justified spending more than $5 at subway? i cant call to mind the last  time i had a half way satisfying meal from there. they have the good enough meal down pretty good. but if youre faced with a handful of options, and an hour for lunch, why would you choose there? certainly not the menu. their food gets progressively worse. this pork sandwich was at least different from their stable of boring ass food, that much is in its favor.

yeah it is way too salty, the bbq sauce is flat, the meat looks more coarsely ground than it does pulled, i cant finish it because it feels like someone poured mercury in my stomach. hopefully im not stuck with subway until winter rolls back around.

i refrained from including a picture for everyone's benefit

pulled pork in the subway

so last night, or the day before i saw a commercial for some kind of pulled pork sandwich from subway. as a sufferer of the McRib gene, i am now compelled to go out and buy one. just last night i was talking about eating healthier, and now this enters my radar.

oddly, i cant seem to find a pic of the subway pulled pork sandwich. subway.com was all proud of these zagat awards and other stuff, but i gotta hand it to them theyve sure got the leanest site that offers next to no usability. so instead, i will promote http://kleincast.com/maps/mcrib.php (the McRib Locator website, currently Dallas is the only one). subway must not be very proud of itself, so screw them, heres a McRib for you subway; now go grow a pair

some gary guy's easter dinner

yesterday i went to get a $5 footlong from subway.

the parking lot that leads to this subway is cramped. the entry is actually a back alley door that leads past the restroom and a half dozen tight wall-mounted two-person tables. i wish they still had a full listing of their subs. when you get to the line, i must admit that the employees are amazing and fast at this location. nonetheless, what with subway's sandwich menu being nothing special and their meats being fake, i handed over my money, was convinced by the rationality of the combo menu to make it a meal, filled up my cup with root beer, and walked out. trying not to slip on the ice of the lot was rough not only because its ice but it was a bed of oddly ridged frozen over tire treads.

i felt like such a shill walking out with my boring-ass subway meal going back to my boring ass life. you should really make me excited to eat my food. not excited like tgifridays or that bullshit; just happy that i got food from you, just excited about what i am going to eat. instead subway is just boring. we have a quiznos in my building, despite that their subs are worse, at least they are special and SUBstantive (<-you saw that right?). i hate you subway.